Dear Manufacturers of Ombre Sweaters, Jackets, and Tops:

For the love of all that is holy, PLEASE stop putting the light part of the ombre at the bottom and the dark part of the ombre at the top, like with THIS SWEATER:

I love – love- love ombre but I don’t own one single piece of ombre clothing, and this is why. It’s come to the point where I feel I have to say something.

As you can see on the model above, the light part of the ombre hits a lady right at her most vulnerable point: the stomach, hips, and thighs. If, like me and UNlike the skinny bee-yotch model above, you are W-I-D-E-S-T at the mid-section (c’mon, most American women are), then the light ombre just emphasizes that.

For these same women, our proudest area of achievement is probably our, ahem, bust area. So why in good golly’s name would you put the darkest part of the ombre there? The part we’re TRYING to emphasize?!?!?

I mean, this is Basic Fashion Design 101, people! We women learn this as teens, around the same time we learn that “horizontal stripes make you look wider; go vertical” and “camel toes are b-a-a-a-d!”. Light emphasizes, dark de-emphasizes. Duh.

Just like THIS GORGEOUS SWEATER . . .

. . . that I would never wear, because the lighter blue on the bottom is screaming, “Look at my tum-tum!! You know, my most unattractive body part! Go ahead, get a good look at it!”

I swear, a man must’ve designed both of these sweaters. Or a skinny Devil Woman.

So, dear clothing manufacturers who want us to buy your ombre sweaters, jackets, and tops, start making them correctly, with the dark part of the ombre on the bottom and the light part at the top. The world will be in balance and you will sell more clothes, I promise.

PS: You’re welcome.